Search

Journey of the Fox

A Shelf.

At the moment, my life is fairly cluttered. I find myself on the brink of some sort of spiritual awakening. I have realised that I really want to figure out who I am, to understand my own mentality and through this, be a better person for the world. But right now, at this moment, my life is cluttered. So this cyberspace, right here, acts as a shelf for my thoughts. This shelf where I keep my thoughts will hopefully help me organise my life better. Help me organise my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual being. Stay tuned for some senseless rambling. I am sure of which only I will understand. Bare with me, this might get messy.

Featured post

Almost Home Time

Graveyard Shift.

My word, it’s dragging on.

1.5 hours till the next shift arrives.

Boss is going to walk-in in 1.8 hours.

I’ve got anxiety about this week.

I’m off for the next 2 days.

I feel like I need to come in to work though.

Choked up.

Urgh.

Stressed. Depressed. Meh.

 

 

Sitting

Here I am, sitting, reflecting on the day I have had.

Fairly productive. I am proud. Proud of me.

I still have more work to do but I have made quite a dent in the list.

Going to have a drink and carry on.

Carry on.

Power

You hold the power to make yourself whole

You hold the power to mend all your broken pieces

You are courageous, strong, alive

You are peace

You are love

You are light.

 

You are your present

You are the key to  your future

You are all of the brightest stars in the night sky

You are the core being

You are the one

You can do this

You have got this.

 

You hold the power

You hold the power to make yourself whole

You hold the power to mend all your broken pieces

You are the power.

 

Why am I like this.

I made this page so that I would have a space to throw my thoughts. I made it – and I do not use it. I think it comes with being the type of individual who has very little confidence in whatever they do.  I have thoughts… but I also have doubts… doubtful thoughts. I do not want to be criticised . I made this page for me. But I am affected so much about what other people might think that I shut down.

Backspace.

I backspace. A lot.

Here. On Social Media. At Work. At Home. When I am with people. When I am alone.

God, I love to be alone.

Being alone tones down the symptoms of my anxiety.

Anxiety.

Why am I like this.

 

 

Side Note

Life gets thrown at you in pretty little moments of make-believe

My First Panic Attack

My first panic attack happened years ago, when I was still in school. We were playing a word association game in French class where a student would say a word and the next student would begin with the previous word and then their own word. The student after that would state the previous two words and their own word. So long story short I calculated that I would be the last student out of a class of 30 or so to state all 29 words before me as well as my own. A fun game, but obviously my mind didn’t think so.

As it was rounding down to my turn, my hands and my feet started tingling. I ignored the feeling as I was trying to concentrate on the game. My friend, next to me, finished her line of words and glanced at me to start my turn. I looked at her, tried to start speaking but nothing came out. All of a sudden, I couldn’t breath and I was gasping for air. My chest was paining. My heart was beating so fast, that it felt like it was going to beat right through my rib cage. At this stage I was crying uncontrollably. I had no idea what was happening to me.

I thought I was dying. To those who have never experienced a panic attack before, the phrase “I thought I was dying” might sound exaggerated. But to those who have experienced the ‘joys’ of a panic attack, know that it is quite literal. After what seemed an eternity of my own personal hell, the symptoms subsided. In reality this hell of mine lasted around  2o to 25 minutes.

After this whole episode, the class ended. I felt absolutely drained. I went to excuse myself from waterpolo practice (to which my coach gave me a warning, because she thought I was being dishonest about not feeling up to practice). The whole incident encouraged me to find out what happened and after realising that it was indeed a panic attack that occurred, I was able to do a bit of research into coping mechanisms.

For the longest time I was terrified of having another panic attack. Every time I felt a bit overwhelmed or started getting ‘the tingles’ in my hands, I would remove myself from what ever situation I was in and just go and breathe. I believe this was the start of my anxiety. Something that I have only recently started coming to terms with.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑